SEND GLENN TO THE ACC

Hello Frank,





I would like you to meet my younger brother, Glenn

Glenn Payne

Despite looking like your average Canadian kid sitting on a hockey bench, this isn't any old hockey bench in any old Canadian rink. This is in warm sunny South Carolina, not exactly a hockey hotbed, but that isn't going to stop a determined Canadian, dedicated family man and all around solid guy from lacing them up. There is something that makes Glenn different and special to me and I would absolutely love to treat him to a Leafs game on your behalf, Frank. I will explain why. This isn't a story of illness, hardship, or a lifelong Leafs fan who has never had a chance to attend a game and for all intents and purposes he has lived a gratifying and successful life. Through his courage and determination he has no doubt worked for it and earned it, in an honest, quiet and straightforward way.

As young boys my younger brothers and I lived and died by the Leafs. Our spirits soared and fell with every win and loss. A mere four hour street hockey session was considered an off day. We would bundle up for the mercury diving temperature in December, and sun-burn in July, almost every day with our hockey sticks in hand. We were mystified by the greats of our boyhood. The larger than life personalities of Gilmour, Wendal, and Potvin who were more than just heroes to us. We got to be them every day on the road, the pond, the rink. We scored the Stanley Cup winner thousands of times and imagined the sheer excitement we would feel seeing it actually happen at what was at the time Maple Leaf Gardens, but I think we can settle for a game seven final win at the ACC.

Glenn's passion for the Leafs extended into every area of his life including his knack for visual arts. My father promised us that if my brother did a portrait he would make every effort to get it signed which, of course inspired Glenn to think of the possibility of getting to meet the now legendary Wendel Clark. Although difficult to make out you can see the autograph after a 12 year old boy, poured his heart into a painting. It lead to an amazing experience of a Leafs practice at Maple Leaf Gardens.

Portrait

Brothers and I Meeting Wendel (Glenn beside #17)

As we grew up Glenn worked tirelessly to be successful in school after meeting his future wife and having a daughter just around the time they were to be graduating high-school. Heading into college my brother had a monumental task of learning, providing and starting a young family with the young lady who is now his beautiful wife, Christina. After working various jobs throughout his studies at college that had outrageous hours and less than glamorous conditions, Glenn graduated and was put behind the eight-ball and had to make a very difficult decision with his wife due to lack of work in his field in Southern Ontario. They chose to move their family which now had an addition of another lovely little girl to South Carolina, which was a very tough pill for our close-knit family to swallow.

Canadian Invasion

At the time in 2005 there was no light at the end of the tunnel and homesickness set in rapidly. Over the past six years Glenn, to put it mildly, worked his ass off to provide for his family and permit his wife to be a wonderfully amazing stay at home mom. In a few short years by taking on huge workloads, and working many hours he has earned a home had a little boy. Brody, who is so obsessed with hockey himself that he wears a hockey helmet around the house at two years of age. You can take boys out of Canada, but you can't take Canada out of the boy, even if Brody was born in S.C.

Hockey Pajamas

In the past month an amazing window of opportunity arose, and my brother had to make yet another difficult and courageous decision. Glenn was offered a job in Beamsville, Ontario and had to make a gunpoint decision whether or not to give it all up in America and uproot the whole family again and return to Canada. To the overwhelming delight of all the family in Ontario, Glenn has taken the job and they are all returning to Canada. The decision is coming at a cost though, Glenn will be separated for several months as his wife remains with the children, home, and school back in the States on her own as Glenn starts work on April 11th!! The last game is on the 9th if you see where I am going here. It is a very stressful time for them having to sell the home there in a short time and they have to go through this difficult transition. My brother as a wonderful, hard working, and determined father, and brother absolutely deserves to be rewarded with these Leafs tickets as the game is only three days after he returns here on his own. It will be a great treat for him, let him kick back and relax, forget his stresses and just be a kid again. I would greatly appreciate if you considered Glenn as a candidate for the tickets, because a little brother who is so often deserving of being looked up to has earned this night on the town. It would be one heck of a welcome home present.

Thank you for your time,
Jonathan Payne

P.S. I sincerely love your "little show" and hope you stick with it.

What is so great about bud?

I have had it just about up to my eyeballs with pot propaganda, pot parades, pot posters, pot pictures, pot pushers, pot people, pot paraphernalia pot, pot, pot, pot, pot, pot etc. What on earth have we come to, in order to have this such a pervasive and celebrated part of our society? It isn't even subculture anymore and there is seemingly no self-restraint about it. Even a longstanding legal, yet regulated intoxicating substance such a alcohol has its taboos and cultural restraint. If anyone was busting into grandpa's cough syrup at 9am it would be considered a "problem" yet the "wake and bake" is a trumpeted part of cannabis culture. Yes, marijuana is in-fact an intoxicating substance, it does alter your mental and physical state so we can stop pretending like it is such a harmless gift of God. "It is a plant", "It is an herb", "It is totally natural", please spare me the obvious details. Instead do me a gigantic favour and down some seeds from a strychnine tree and report back to me on the wonder of natures gifts.

















Natures gift to pot-heads




WE GET IT
















This is how "xXx_420_bowltoker_xXx" lets you know how baked he is when he plays Xbox


Okay so marijuana is your IDENTITY, I am okay with that but put it to rest. It gets me so riled up when I see this kind of thing appearing as call-signs in video games. Do these people truly have no other hobby or defining feature to pride themselves upon other than how burnt they get every single day? I don't understand why it needs to be stated that you are so baked at work as if this is something that is brag worthy? Put it on your resume cool-guy. "ASSETS: I don't drink beer on my lunch break, I only puff a doobie instead." No one cares if you are blazing at Bob's house, so find a more interesting Facebook status. The patches, pins, t-shirts and Facbook photo albums of marijuana marches, the comments involving weed, the wallposts, does it ever end?! The kicker is Bob Marley as your profile picture, that is a classic dating back to myspace, that will never get old. I know plenty of moderate to heavy drinkers, and you would have to sift for days through their online persona's or houses to find any hard evidence of their sheer delight toward booze. At best you might turn up a few t-shirts or toques from a case of beer, maybe some empties, and the odd photo with a beer in their hand. It certainly doesn't seem to be the ONLY thing they do or talk about. But, who cares? Drinking just isn't quite counter-culture enough to make you a bad enough dude to pwn n00bs in Call of Duty with your "Blunt Trauma" call-sign.




THE REALITY.


So I understand you are coming up with idea's and your creativity is so enhanced, that you are going to be the next Dylan, Hendrix, or Morrison. You are practically reinventing the sciences and philosophy, Aristotle, Hawking, and Einstein have nothing on you. Now for the cruel reality, this is what the rest of us see and hear (click image to enlarge):























_______________________________________






















It is all but universally accepted that scientifically speaking, marijuana causes changes if only temporarily to memory, senses and physical state. It does not enhance anything. It makes you stoned, it is not spiritual or enlightening, it makes you feel, look and act stoned, that is all there is to it. Why pretend any other way?

THE FACTS

"What about all the medical benefits man? If it will help an epileptic it should be a good thing, why would you be so down on medicine, and deny treatment of sick people? You harsh the mellow!"

Okay first things first, I am terribly sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and congratulations on your PhD in medicine. Oh? You are in otherwise good health, and you are not a doctor? Well blow me down, just don't exhale that skunky-weed in my face while you do.

It is the job of scientists to decide what constitutes medicine, and the job of doctors to prescribe it. Self-medicating is generally not the best idea. There are hordes of treatments, that can effectively treat an illness but cause other side-effects and health risks, and it is usually the job of doctors and scientists to weigh these risks, and we are left with the decision of what we do with our own bodies. Marijuana may very well be an effective treatment for certain illnesses but is recommended by nearly all doctors, and the Canadian Cancer Society among a slew of other reputable health organizations to be avoided. I smoke and drink, I am not holier than thou, but for heaven's sake don't insult my intelligence by trying to create the illusion that weed is harmless and it is "medicine." This isn't just a case of it being bad because it is bad for you. It is more the lifestyle and culture along with the health risks it brings that make it something that I don't think is okay to be partaken in 24-7 at will.

Lastly, the notion that lifting prohibition will solve all the problems, has got to be one of the greatest cases of wishful thinking out there. There is a slew of alcohol related crimes that still occur long since prohibition has been lifted, and it is not like the mobs and organized crime just vanished with the extinction of the speakeasy. The changing of laws don't quell the drug culture and the crime, it simply forces modification. Since the decriminalization of weed in some states for medical purposes there have been break ins, muggings, and murders of people permitted to have weed by those who are not. The decriminalization of marijuana could realistically just result in a different form of black-market because it is so easy to cultivate, and it could possibly put more pressure on gangs to profit more in other markets. Gangs and cartels will not just vanish with more relaxed marijuana laws, there is the possibility that it will actually increase movement in other drugs, or a push to make profit with cheaper (maybe stronger) black-market cannabis. Making something legal does not remove the possibility of abuse and criminal behavior. So the bloggers, columnists, and pro-marijuana activists who are about as equally uneducated as me, and sit around cherry picking information and statistics from the internet, in an attempt to refute trained doctors, educated politicians, and experts in criminology need to put down the bong and think about it in a more practical sense.


IN PARTING

Being a pot-smoker is a great deal like a boob-job. If the whole world knows it, then you are doing it wrong.

The Next Tim Burton Masterpiece

Tim Burton: Johnny come over here. I need to bounce a really fresh idea off you. I have been kicking this around for a little while. You know I really hate to call on you to help me draw goths to my inventive and constantly evolving filmography, but would you please hear me out?










Johnny Depp: lol Oh come on Timmy. You know how much I hate my stardom and having teenage goths line my pockets every single time I wear make-up. That is why I left Hollywood. I only want to do scripts that are totally original and allow me to express myself as a true artist. I will help you out old friend. Anything for you.

Tim Burton: Okay, but this is so new and invigorating I am going to need you to sit down to hear me out.

Johnny Depp: I am all ears, pal.





Tim Burton: Okay, I was being totally artistic and sitting around doing doodles and other artistic things, when it dawned on me... "The Addams Family."

Johnny Depp: That is crazy. It has to be five...maybe TEN whole years since that franchise has been dragged through the mud. Go on...

Tim Burton: I was thinking of using a revolutionary film making technique that will really set it apart from anything that anyone has seen. I don't really care for all merchandising that will ensue because it hurts my artistic integrity, but the studios really love it, so they will keep off my back and I can truly express myself. I am thinking, stop animation!

Johnny Depp: That is incredible. How do you come up with this? Do you have a style you were looking to achieve?

Tim Burton: I have been working on a few new ideas that people will, want to pay money to put images on thier chain wallets...errrr, I mean...purchase figurines of, no that isn't it... see on the big screen! Yeah. Will you tell me what you think of my concept art?...






and...




maybe some set pieces like...




Tim Burton: So what do you think?





Johnny Depp: It is wonderful. Your originality is magnificent. So I presume you want me to lend vocal talent to this guaranteed cash-cow. Sorry...masterpiece. I will play Gomez. I suppose you are going to scour the globe holding casting calls to find the most talented female voice actresses in the world to find my leading lady, Morticia. Right?








Tim Burton: Way ahead of you my good man.


Johnny Depp: We are really getting somewhere. I guess all we need is the score. If only there was some kind of composer out there who excels in sweeping crescendos and all kinds of dark ambient mood music, with lots of "deedle, deedle, deedle"... Where will you turn Tim?








Danny Elfman: Hey guys. What's going on in here?!






Johnny Depp: LETS MAKE SOME ART!!!